


Don´t loose your nerve (Keep breathing)

by MulletKitty



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Drug Use, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Self-Harm, Sherlock Holmes is a Bit Not Good, Suicide Attempt, mary is alive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:40:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23304790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MulletKitty/pseuds/MulletKitty
Summary: In this fic, Mary is alive and married to John. Sherlock is battling with drug addiction, self harm and mental health issues.Also this is my first fic ever and English is not my first language so I´m sorry if it sucks! Sorry it´s so short. New chapter coming in a few days
Relationships: Mary Morstan/John Watson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

"Sherlock, are you on drugs again? Don´t try to lie to me" Lestrade tries to act calm but I know that he´s angry at me. "No Graham, I´m not on drugs." I´m not lying to him. But he knows that something is wrong. Even tho I´m not doing drugs at the moment It´s only a matter of time. "Then what´s up with you? You´ve been acting strange for a while now." The anger is gone now and is replaced by worry. "Nothing is up with me. I´m perfectly fine. Now if were done with this case I need to get going." I quickly start walking back to Baker Street before Lestrade has the chance to stop me.  
When I arrive at Baker street the first thing I do is lay down on the sofa. My body is exhausted and so is my mind. Oh god, my body is hungry and tired again. My eyes shut as I slip into sleep.  
"Sherlock , I brought you tea! Oh dear, did you fall asleep on the sofa again?" My eyes flutter open as I start waking up. Mrs Hudson barges into my kitchen and starts cleaning up. "This is not a very healthy way to live, is it." She should just shut up and i mind her own business. But she is quite right. I take my coat off and make my way to the kitchen. "Thank you, I´ll take the tea and continue from here." I don´t want her finding anything she shouldn´t. "You don´t have to be rude, Sherlock. But if you don´t need my help I´ll just go. I´ll be downstairs love." She finally leaves and I can get some peace. I feel and smell like shit, maybe I should take a shower. I undress my clothes in the bathroom and step into the shower. Maybe I should turn the water a little hotter. Maybe a bit more. No, no, no! It doesn´t burn enough. This isn´t enough, I need to feel something. I get out of the shower and go into my bedroom to put on some clean pants. Then I get back to the bathroom and look in the cabinet. I find the razor packet and take one in my hand. I´ll do one just to help me feel better. I slice once but it´s not deep enough so I cut once more. Just one more, and another one, maybe one more. I realize what I´ve done when I start feeling dizzy and see the thick red blood fall down to the floor. Maybe this was my chance to end it all for once. I´m already halfway there. With my last strength I make deep vertical cuts on both my wrists and slip into darkness.


	2. Brother dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, this chapter is from Molly´s POV if you´re confused!

Another boring Thursday. Sherlock forgot the eyes he was supposed to take with him yesterday so I´m goint to Baker Street to give them to him. I knock on the door and mrs. Hudson opens the door. "Oh hello dear, are you here for Sherlock?" She asks me. "Yeah, I just came to drop some things off." "I haven´t heard from him today but just go upstairs. He should be there." I walk upstairs and open the door. "Sherlock? You forgot your eyes at the morgue yesterday. Mrs. Hudson told me to come in. Where are you?" "Sherlock? Are you in the bathroom?" That´s weird. Why wouldn´t he say where he is if he´s home. "Why aren´t you answering Sherlock? I´m coming in." He didn´t lock the bathroom door. I have this weird feeling that everything isn´t okay. So I open the door "Sher... OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?Who am I kidding... Okay stay calm, you need to phone and ambulance. Sherlock stay there, I´m gonna apply pressure to the wounds. You can´t leave now. This isn´t how you´re gonna go, this isn´t right. "  
"The ambulance is gonna be here any minute. Just stay there please" I´m in tears but I try to stay as calm as possible. The parademedics are coming in now. I tell them what´s happend and they carry him out to the ambulance. Don´t start panicking, Molly. I have to call Lestrade and John. Oh god, this isn´t going to be easy.

Lestrade: Hi Molly  
Molly: Lestrade, something bad happened... To Sherlock.  
L: What´s he done now? Got into a knife fight with someone? Gotten himself kidnapped? Shot someo...  
M: SHUT UP! Just listen. He´s in the hospital right now and I´m on my way there. I found him in his bathroom he...  
L: What? Just tell me  
M:He hurt himself really bad. On purpose and I´m pretty sure it was a suicide attempt  
L: Oh god... I´ll meet you in the hospital

I don´t know what I´m gonna do if he doesn´t wake up. I should call John already but I don´t think I can do it. Okay calm down, Lestrade is here now. "Where is he now? Is he okay?" I can hear the panick in his voice. "He hasn´t woken up yet. They had to stitch the cuts it was, well it was really bad. He suffered blood loss and they´re not sure if he´s gonna make it." He better make it. "How didn´t anyone notice anything? I just saw him yesterday and I knew something was up but this, if I had known then..." "Stop blaming yourself! Sherlock´s too good at hiding things. And he won´t stop, he´s just gonna push us away so we need to be there for him no matter what! I mean if he wakes up.." I start feeling tears dropping down my face. "C´moon, he´s Sherlock he´ll always be fine. Now we just have to wait." Lestrade´s words did make me feel a little better. A doctor is approaching us now. Please, be good news. "Hello I´m Dr Cuddy and I´m one of the doctors treating Mr Holmes. As you know Mr Holmes suffered severe blood loss so we had to transfer some blood to him. He also hit his head when he passed out, but his head seems fine. He also cut into a nerve in his left hand so there may be some difficulties. He is gonna be fine physically and he should be waking up soon so you can go in." The doctor looks at us with symphaty and leaves. Me and Lestrade look at eachother and hug. What a relief.

We go in Sherlocks hospital room. He looks so tiny lying there without a shirt, wrists bandaged. When did he become so skinny? Did his face always look so sad. "Oh Sherlock, why did you do this? You coul´ve talked to us." Lestrade almost has tears in his eyes too. As Sherlock starts opening his eyes, none other than Mycroft Holmes walks thru the door. "Hello, brother dear. How´d you get to this point again?" He says sadly. Like everyone else, he´s clearly trying to hide his emotions. Even tho they may say so, I know neither of them are even close to being psychopats. And even tho they may not admit it, they both care about eachother very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Sherlock react when he wakes up? And when will John find out?
> 
> Thank you for leaving kudos!!


	3. Better luck next time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock wakes up in hospital. Sherlocks POV

Why is everything so bright? God I wish someone could turn these lights off. So, I´m alive, still. I guess I can say that I´m disappointed in myself. Why did I already open my eyes, now they know that I´m awake. Maybe if I just pretend to sleep everyone will leave me alone. "Sherlock, we know you´re awake." Oh, Mycroft is here too. This is going to get interesting. I don´t wanna talk to anyone. But I do wanna tell them to turn the lights off and go away. Why can´t they just leave me alone? Don´t they understand that I don´t need them. They´re the reason that I´m laying down in this stupid hospital bed. "I was so scared you weren´t gonna wake up" Molly sounds scared and I feel just a bit guilty. But I feel even more angry. Not just at Molly, but at everyone, especially myself. "You almost killed yourself, do you know that?" Lestrade says sadly. I try to open my mouth but it feels very dry. "Tha... that was kind of the point" I manage to get out. Lestrade looks away and my guilt is back. I know that hurts them but I want to show them how angry I am, maybe then they´ll leave me be. "Why would you do such a stupid thing again, brother?" Mycroft asks but we both know that he already knows the answer to that question. At least partially. "Wait, what do you mean again?" Molly is so innocent. She has no idea about my past. Lestrade knows some of it, he´s known me for so long and of course my brother Mr British government knows almost everything. "This is hardly his first suicide attempt Ms Hooper. This is all familiar to him." I look away angrily. It´s none of his business to tell people about my past. That has nothing to do with this! "Shut up. What even makes you think that this was a suicide attempt?" I ask Mycroft. He´s the only person who can make me this angry. "Oh please. If you were just trying to self harm, you wouldn´t have sliced your wrists vertically. Anyone can get that." He can also make me feel so stupid. Of course everyone could see what I was aiming at. "If Molly hadn´t happened to be there at the time she was, you wouldn´t have failed." I know he doesn´t mean that I should have succeeded but I want to make him angry. "Well, I guess I better have better luck next time." They all looked at me in shock. I probably shouldn´t have said that. "You´re not gonna try again, aren´t you Sherlock?" Lestrade asked me carefully. Great. Now they all think I´m not gonna stop till I drop dead. Or know more like. For the first time, I don´t have a clever comeback, so I stay quiet. That may have just made everything worse but I don´t care. No one or nothing is gonna change my mind. Mycroft looks away disappointed. "Sherlock, you can´t do this again. You have so much to life for." Lestrade says to me but what does he know. "What exactly?Go ahead and tell me, what do I have to life for?" Before Lestrade has the chance to open his mouth, Molly interrupts him. "You can´t actually be that selfish? To take your life away from all of us? You know Sherlock, once you "take it" It´s not your own anymore. You won´t be the one to miss it. You won´t be here anymore to see everyone else struggling. And what would your parents say? Guessing your brother hasn´t informed them yet. What would John say?" John. "Yeah, where is John? Do you see him here? I´m not his concern anymore." They all stay quiet. John truly doen´t care anymore. "We haven´t caught him yet... He is probably busy with Rosie and moving and all..." Lestrade says sadly. That´s just great. I haven´t talked to John in months so why would he care? "Could everyone just leave for a minute. I need to talk to Sherlock alone." Great. Now Mycroft wants to have a big talk with me. Molly and Lestrade leave the room.  
"I have found a place where you can go for a while to get yourself better. You´re going there as soon as you can leave this hospital." What? Mycroft wants to send me to an asylum again. " Yeah that´s not gonna happen." "I wasn´t asking. You´re going there even if I have to carry you myself." That´s it. I have to do it before he sends me there because deep down I know that I can´t escape from this hospital. Myc will have eyes on me 24/7. I look away. I don´t have the power to fight with him right now, "Fine. I don´t care."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What does Sherlock have on his mind?
> 
> Thank you for kudos!!! :´))


	4. Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlocks first day at the psychiatric ward
> 
> Okay so i tried to make this a little easier to read.

I wake up and find Mycroft sitting beside me. Great.

"Don´t think that I´m gonna let you be on your own. I know you enough to know that you still aren´t fine. Your suicidal thoughts don´t just stop when you don´t succeed, I learned that the hard way remember?"He really isn´t gonna give me any chances. 

"Once again you´re wrong. I told you it kinda wasn´t even a suicide attempt so there´s nothing to worry about." I try to sound confident but fail miserably. That´s when the door opens. 

"Sherlock? What are you doing here?" It´s john Watson. And he doesn´t even know why I am here. I look at Mycroft and he looks at me. 

"Well, I had a little accident... But I´m okay now" I try to explain without telling him what really happened. I really don´t want him to know about how this happened. Then John looks at my bandaged wrists.

"Sherlock! Oh my god. Why did you do this? You could have talked to..." He starts.

"Who exactly? You? We haven´t talked in months John. You have more important things to care about now. You have a wife and a child to care about and I´m not blaming you, it just is the truth?" I can´t hold my feelings in and John looks like he´s about to cry. But of course he won´t let himself do that. Me neither, not with Myc in the room. 

"And I´m really sorry about that, I am. I should´ve called you... I meant to call you but I´ve been so busy with work and Mary and Rosie and... I´m really sorry. I am a shit friend. I shoul´ve known something was up. But I am not only angry at myself but with you Mycroft, Lestrade and everyone else who knew! How did you keep this from me? Sherlock is still my best friend. Would you have told me if he didn´t survie, huh?" John says he´s angry at everyone, but I know he´s punishing himself the most. Mycroft doesn´t have anything to say to this.

"Look John, I´m sorry no one told you. but don´t be dumb, this had nothing to do with you. I did this all to myself and it is no one elses fault but mine." I try to explain to him but now he just looks sad. Did I say something wrong?

"Oh Sherlock. We need to get you better. And I promise you I´ll be there for you from now on. No matter how long it takes" He says and I trust him. 

\---------------------------

The next morning a doctor comes in to wake me up.

"Good morning Mr Holmes. you´re being transferred in to the psychiatric ward today. You have to stay there for at least 72 hours before you and a psychiatrist will discuss how to continue your treatment. Do you have any questions?" The doctor seems tired. He has dark circles under his eyes. He doesn´t have a wedding ring but there is a red mark showing that he has had one for years and has only now taken it off. He´s going to a divorce. I don´t get it, why would anyone want to get married in the first place? Half of them end in a divorce anyway. 

"Can i wear my own clothes there?" I have never been in the hospitals own psych ward, Myc always sent me to some fancy institution when I was younger. 

"You will be given clothes there." Great. I can´t even have my own clothes.  
Time passes and around 12 a nurse with bright blue hair in a bun comes in. She has a big fake smile on, 

"Hello Mr Holmes was it? I´m nurse Ava from the hospitals psychiatric ward. I´m gonna take you there and show you around. It´s in a separate building right next to where we are now." She has a wheel chair with her and is showing me to sit in it. I don´t need a wheel chair. My body isn´t that weak for sure. I try to stand up from the bed but my leegs don´t seem to be working right. That´s weird. 

"I´ll help you to the chair. Don´t be scared, it´s totally normal to not be able to walk properly after lying in a hospital bed for days. Blood loss and malnutrition can also do that." She seems nice but something about her annoys me. Also, I am not malnourished. I´m totally normal. I get on the wheel chair and we go down. Outside is a taxi waiting for us. We get in the taxi and it drives us to the building. The distance isn´t big but I guess you can´t just walk there. When we get inside Ava shows me the lunchroom and then my room. I don´t have a roommate thank god. 

"This is gonna be your home for now. You´ll get used to it even tho it´s not the coziests. I´ll go get some clothes to you so I´ll be back in a minute. When you´re dressed just get to the lunchroom and after that you´ll see a doctor." She goes out to get me the clothes. I slowly get up and start exploring the room. There is a bed, a nightstand, and a dresser. There is a bathroom attached to the room. In the bathroom there is a shower, toilet, a sink and a mirror. There isn´t a lock on the bathroom door. I hear the door open and Ava drops off some clothes. A grey hoodie, without strings of course, grey t-shirt and grey sweats. Mycroft must have dropped off some of my own socks and underwear. I take off my scrubs and change into the clothes. The clothes are loose on me. I go to the bathroom to wash my face and stare into the mirror. My face looks colorless except for the violet bags under my eyes. Do I always look this awful? Oh well. I better head up to lunch. There are about 32 patients in the lunchroom and 11 nurses. I see Ava wave at me. 

"You found your way here, great! Since it´s your first day here I´m gonna sit down with you while you eat. Let´s go get you some food." I walk with Ava to get the food. Chicken and rice with salad. Ava starts putting food on my plate.

"I´m not actually that hungry. Eating slows my brain down" I say to her. I don´t feel like eating here. I want to stay focused and it´s just gonna slow me down.

"Oh, you have to eat. You don´t have to eat it all if you can´t." I can clearly tell he´s confused about what I said. Normal people usually are. We go to sit down on a table with a young boy and a little bit older woman. The boy is maybe 20 and the woman 40. I start eating the chicken but it feels hard to swallow. I already ate a big meal yesterday, why do I have to eat now? I must have been staring at the food for a while now. 

"Are you okay Sherlock? Do you feel ill?" Ava starts asking. I didn´t even notice that I had stopped what ever I was doing. I look at her and then around the table. The boy and the woman are staring at me. Why are they doing that?

"Uhm... Yes I guess I just got lost in my thoughts. And no, I don´t feel ill." I can´t show any weakness. I have to get out as soon as possible.

"Eating disorder?" The woman asks me questioning. I don´t know where she got that. 

"Ivy! Not now." Ava says. What is that Ivy woman on about? Surely I don´t have an eating disorder. I look at her and start eating trying to prove something. Once I finish everything I get up and Ava follows me to return the dishes. I see that Ava is trying to bring up what Ivy said so I start speaking before she can.

"Where do i have to go to meet the doctor?" 

"Uhm... I´ll take you there." She walks with me to the doctors office. The doctor is sitting behind his table.

"Hello Mr Holmes! I am Dr Thomas, you can just call me Oliver. I have been waiting for you. Take a seat please. Well just go through the basic stuff, so no need to be nervous. There can´t be anything that I haven´t already seen." He puts on his glasses and starts reading my file. 

"Do you know why you are here?" He asks. Does he think I am dumb.

"Yes. I am here because I accidentally cut too deep on my arm and now I have to be here for at least three days." 

"That is correct. But I don´t think that´s the only reason you´re here. I have read your files and I see a long history of self harm, drug use, suicide attempts and possible eating disorders. I´d like to discuss those too." What? I do not have an eating disorder. That´s just how I´ve always been but I´ve never tried to look skinnier.

"I don´t have an eating disorder for starters. I haven´t used drugs in a long time." Technically I´m not lying. I may have used a couple times in the last year or so but they have been one-offs. 

"Right. There´s still the self harm. Your brother has expressed a huge concern about you. You can´t go home until we know you are not a thread to yourself or anyone else. It´ll be easier for all of us if you cooperate. So, to get you out of here alive and well, me and your psychiatrist have made a plan for you." That´s just great. Mycroft has probably told them everything about my past. Even tho I hate being here, I´m gonna act like everything is okay so I can get out as soon as possible. I have more important things to do on the outside like my work. 

"Fair enough. So what´s the plan? I´m ready to get better." 

"I hope you understand that if, and I´m not saying that you´re lying, but if you are you are, you´re only lying to yourself. You have to get better for yourself. Don´t do it to make other people happy or to get out of here, do it so you can be happy again." This is so boring. I don´t even know if I´ve ever been truly happy. Drugs make me feel happy, until they don´t.

"Yes doctor, I understand that. And I´m ready to get better. I know that I can´t live like this." Part of me knows that I should want to get better but I don´t know if that´s how I really feel. The doctor tells me my plan, I´m going to talk to the psychiatrist tomorrow and the day after that. He tells me that I would benefit from group therapy. The therapist and my doctor will then discuss if I´m ready to go home and continue my treatment from there. That´ll probably mean seeing a therapist once a week or something like that. Next thing today is group therapy. There´s nothing more useless than that. I don´t need to hear random peoples problems, they are boring. And I don´t need other people in my business. After talking to the doctor I get out and see Ava again waiting for me. 

"Okay! Now that you´re done with that I´ll walk you to the group therapy room. You´ll be expected to share something about yourself and please be nice to the other patiens." Ava says and walks me into the room. She smiles at me and leaves me. There are about 8 chairs in a ring, one empty one for me. 

"Hello, you must be new. Don´t be shy, come sit with us." A woman in her 50´s says. She has a clipboard in her hands. I go sit in the empty seat and feel every ones eyes on me. 

"Welcome everyone, we have a couple new faces with us here today. We´ll start today by introducing ourselves and telling everyone how we feel today and why we are here. That way we can understand each other better. Okay Tom, could you please start and then we´ll move on to the person on your right." This is so bland.

"Hi, I´m Tom. I´m here because apparently I have a "drug problem". Today when I woke up I felt tired and annoyed to be here." He talks sarcastically. He seems annoying but for some rason I like him. Then we move onto a skinny black haired girl, guessing she´s about 16. 

"Hello, uhm I´m here to get my eating habits better I guess. I feel a little sad to be honest. I miss my dog Maxie." She´s nervous and trying to hide it. Her parents sent her here after discovering her bulimia. Her eyes are puffy and red, she´s been crying. Now moving on to a man, about 17 years old. 

" Hi everyone, I´m Ruby and I´m here because I got into a fight with my dad and it didn´t end well. I didn´t kill him or anything don´t worry, I was just defending myself and we got into a fight, and after that he sent me here for my apparent anger issues. Which I don´t really have. I feel pretty okay today. I don´t like being here for basically nothing but at least I don´t have to be home with him." Interesting. He has some feminine features to him. Deducing on his situation, voice and clothing I´d say that he is trans, and that´s the reason he had a fight with his dad. He has a bruise on his eye so his dad is not only a jerk but abusive. Moving on to the 40 year old woman I already met, Ivy.

"I´m Ivy and I´m here because I checked myself in after having suicidal thoughts for months and my life spiraling out of control. Now I feel a lot better. I´m actually supposed to get home in a few days so that´s nice." She´s lying. She´s not ready yet. She has the names Toby and Emily tattooed on her wrist, so her two kids. They are staying with their dad, who left her for his secretary. She just wants to get back to them and I understand why. Next is a man who´s about my age, maybe a few years older. 

"My name is Robert and I am here because of a suicide attempt. I feel great now tho, so no need to worry about that." He´s interesting. Trying to use humor as a coping mechanism. He´s clearly anxious, he´s picking his cuticles so I´d guess anxiety disorder. 

"Esme, I´m diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don´t feel anything." She ha the number 93 tattooed on her ankle so I´m guessing that´s her birth year. She´s been here for a while, she´s used to this. 

"Esme, please bring that up with your doctor. It´s the meds that make you feel like that. Okay, you seem to be the last one." the doctor or therapist or who ever says and turns to me.

"Um, I´m Sherlock and I was admitted after I had a little accident... So I guess because of me self harming. Honestly, I feel pretty okay now." I hope I sound more confident to the others then how I sound in my head. We continue talking in the group, I mostly just listen. Once it´s finally over I can get back to my room. I go eat supper and after that I go back to my room to sleep. A nurse knocks on my door.

"Sherlock Holmes is it? I have your medicine." She hands me a cup with 3 tablets.

"What are these? I´m not on any medicine right now." I ask confused.

"Your doctor prescribed you mood stabilizers and sleeping pills. You can ask him more tomorrow, I just need to make sure you take them." I took the pills and the glass of water and "swallowed" the pills. The nurse left and I went to bed. I took the pills out my mouth and put them under the pillow. I laid awake until I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Sherlock fool his doctors and get out in a few days? 
> 
> Thanks for kudos!! This is the part of the story I have in my mind that I dont like writing. I´m still trying!


	5. Destroy me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock's second day at the ward. He gets to know another patient a little better and has his first therapy session.

"Good morning Sherlock. It's time for breakfast." Ava came in and woke me up. I didn't sleep well last night, I laid awake for hours and I when I finally fell asleep I kept waking up. I get up and throw on my clothes. Then I head to the lunchroom. I take a pancake and a cup of black coffee. I go sit down on an empty table. I start eating and that Robert sits down beside me with his tray.

"You're Sherlock, right? Is it okay if I sit here?" He asks.

"Umm, sure. And yes I am." I keep eating trying to not pay any attention to him. He starts eating and keeps staring at me. 

"Why does your name sound so familiar? I feel like I've heard it before." He stops eating and still stares at me wondering where he knows me from. C'moon, don't make me say it. That I'm "the famous detect..."

"Oh! You're that famous detective, Sherlock Holmes. I've seen you on the news." He looks at me waiting for my answer. I know I shouldn't be rude but I don't know what to answer. 

"Consulting detective actually. I just help the police when they get stuck on a case." He still keeps looking at me. I finish eating and start drinking my coffee. Usually I would be annoyed by someone staring at me but for some reason I'm not. 

"I'm Robert by the way. Robert Walker. I'm sorry I keep staring at you. It's just didn't expect meeting you here, well I didn't even expect being here on the fist place but you know." He laughs a little bit but he's not joking. To be honest I didn't expect to end up in here either. Guess we had the same destination. I smile at him. He eats his breakfast and I drink my coffee in silence. We keep looking at each other by turns. When breakfast is done it´s time for me to see my psychiatrist. When I get to her office I wait for a few minutes till she opens the door. 

"Hello Sherlock. I'm Mrs. Wright, you can call me Gemma. Come in and sit down please." She looks at me up and down and closes her door. I sit on a red sofa and she sits on a chair opposite from me. 

" I have to fill some papers so I'm going to ask you a few questions if that's okay. So, do you know why you are here?" 

"Yes. I came here after I cut my arm and my friend called an ambulance." I answer and she writes something on the paper. 

"Alright, are you having any suicidal or self destructive thoughts? " Yes, constantly. 

"No." I lie. She writes it down.

"Do you have any history of self harm or suicide attempt?"

"Why are you asking these questions? You already know the answer to most of these. They're on my file." I can't help but lash out. 

"It's important for me to know which of these things you acknowledge. So please, just answer. There aren't many questions." Fair enough. I want to get this over with.

"Yes, both." 

"Do you have any history with substance abuse, drugs or alcohol?" 

"Yes, both" 

"Does anyone else in your family have history of any of these?" 

"Not that I know of. My mother's sister had bipolar disorder." She also wrote that down.

"How would you describe your relationship with food?" Why is this even relevant? Then again I should just answer.

"I would say pretty normal." Technically I'm not lying-it's normal to me.

"Are you sure about that? Your brother has informed us about your eating habits" Great. Of course Mycroft has told them all about how messed up I am. 

"Well maybe they're not normal to everybody else but thy work for me. I eat what I need to eat, I'm not stupid and I'm not starving myself or anything like that if that's what you're thinking."

"No one is calling you stupid, but I'm curious what about what you mean by eating what you need to eat. Also what makes you think I think you're starving yourself?" Fuck. She didn't mention anything about that but I can tell that's what she's thinking. 

"Humans stuff themselves up with food they don't need to eat all the time. You don't actually need 5 meals a day it's just unnecessary. And I realize that my eating behaviors may look a bit disordered to you because you have obviously worked with eating disorder patients, but I can assure you that I am not one of them." I realize I may have come across a bit defensive. She starts writing something down again.

"Thank you for answering. Now we can move onto our actual session. So first I would like to get to the bottom of how you ended up here. If you could just tell me everything what you remember about that night and how you felt." Just tell her that it was an accident, tell her you weren't supposed to cut that deep and you feel fine now. 

"I was at a crime scene, inspector Lestrade accused me of using drugs again. I wasn't using so I got angry and went back to Baker Street. I took a shower and decided to take the anger out on myself I guess. So I did what I did and accidentally went too deep. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. I started to regret it instantly put I couldn't call help. Thankfully my friend Molly came in and called me help. I woke up in the hospital and I was confused so I told my everyone that I meant it to scare them off. Didn't work out so I decided to give in came here. And I´m happy I did, I´m already feeling much better. I just needed to calm down and rest." Good job. She doesn't look completely convinced but close enough. I'll get there. 

"You said that you were angry, so you took it out on yourself. You also had previous cases of self harm, were those times also because you were angry?" I don't know what to answer.

"Maybe, I don't know." Great answer. Your mind really is getting slower.

"Well, maybe you weren't actually feeling angry, we sometimes confuse our other negative feelings with anger. Do you think you could've actually been feeling sad or lonely or betrayed even? Your friend accused you of something you didn't do, that could have made you feel sad." 

"Yeah you may be right." Just go along with what she says. Make her positive that you are okay now. 

"We've already made a huge process. I will be speaking to your doctor but right now I don't see you as a danger to yourself. I'll see you again tomorrow." That's good. Now I'm just going to act as normal as possible so I can get out after tomorrow.

"Thank you Gemma." I smile at her and leave. I get back to my room, close the door and lay down on the bed. I feel like shit. I just want to get back to home. No one will look at me the same way anymore. I feel sorry for Molly for finding me like that, she shouldn't have been there. If only she hadn't found me... A nurse bursts into my room

"You can´t close the door during daytime!" She sounds angry at me. 

"Oh, okay. I didn't know." I actually didn't know that. 

"You should come into the day room with everybody. Let´s go." I get up and go to the day room with her. And there he is again. Robert looks at me and waves at me to go sit with him. So I do.

"Hello again. I'm sorry if I made things awkward earlier." He thinks he made things awkward? I'm the one with zero social skills. 

"Not at all. Don't worry. I'm just not good at talking to people." Why am i telling him this? He smiles at me and nods. We just sit there quiet for a few minutes. 

"So, do you know how long you'll stay here for?" He asks me.

"I'm leaving after tomorrow." I hope.

"Oh well congratulations." He sounds a little disappointed. Wonder why. I'm trying to think of something to say to keep the conversation going but I can't think of anything.

"I hope I get home soon too. Even tho I don't really have anything to go home to." Again, what am I supposed to answer to that? It's weird how easy it is to talk to him. Even without saying anything. Just sitting there with him feels... Nice. Kinda like how it felt with John but different. 

"So have you got a girlfriend or other family?" He asks.

"No, not really my area. And no family either." He looks at me smiling. I accidentally smile back. 

"What about you?" I ask.

"No, I was married but she and I both realized that it wouldn't work out." She? That's a surprise. Unless... That's why it didn't work out. Robert is way too groomed for a straight man. I mean straight men can look well groomed too but there is something about him.

"Oh, that's too bad. How long were you married for?" 

" Well, we have known each other since we were teens and we were married for 4 years. I love her, I really do, but more as a best friend. We have been best friends since we met and we thought that we could live our lives together happily ever after, but we both knew that we couldn't really give each other what we needed. So we had to let each other go. We're still best friends so I didn't actually loose her. Now she is with a new man who will make her happier. Maybe I can find that too one day." He sounds happy and sad at the same time. 

"You will find her one day." I just said that to test him. To make sure my deduction is right. 

"Him, actually." He stares into my eyes. Once again we just sit there smiling without saying anything. 

The rest of the day goes quickly with group therapy and lunch. I try to eat as much as I can at lunch to prove that my eating is totally normal.  
In the evening it's time for my medicine which I hide under my pillow, again. I fall asleep quickly this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can Sherlock fool his doctors and get out in a few days?   
> Also Sherlock Holmes doesn't do crushes? Or does he?
> 
> Sorry if this sucks I'm so tired and stressed from school

**Author's Note:**

> What will happen to Sherlock? Will somebody get to him in time


End file.
